Hi It's Me 2015 or I Need To Sort My Life Out (On PRIORITIES)

And isn't that the question? Because haven't we all been there? Crying, face down, somewhere about our life prospects? And I don't want to ramble on about this because I get it, we are all in our twenties and we are all going through the "depression" of where trying to figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life takes over every single conversation. I'm 21 now. And I like writing and I like being creative and film and I like fashion and I like talking. Cute facts that are great to acknowledge. But these facts do not take over my daily 24 hours. That's all I know to be honest.

And I don't want to ramble on again because my thoughts have rambled on for too long. I need things to be set straight. I need my priorities to be set straight. And part of me knows everything is not the way it should be. And there's no need to blame anyone for this, because my lack of maturity apparently already deals with that.

Why can't everything just fall into place? Why can't everything just work out? 

I'm not thinking clearly. I never thought clearly until now. And blablabla I'm not whining, I'm understanding what it means to get grey hairs (granted I have dyed my hair white) but we are all Beyoncé's answering in beauty pageants that our biggest aspiration in life is to be happy. And at the end of the day all I need is to take action and make a difference in all I've never done. I really really really really like the sun and feeling warm and knowing that nothing can bother me because I'm doing what I'm supposed to.

Come undone.

And drawbacks and excuses were you. And back in 2014 I never thought about anything but you. You are not the reason things didn't happen. But for as long as I can remember everything people in movies talked about was "finding themselves" and I never understood why that was such a big deal. I thought you were born you, a human with two eyes, one mouth, a nose, etc. What else was there to figure out? I'm 21 now. And I know what all of this means now. You granted me to find myself whilst inflicting pain. But that was 2014.

And it's not about love anymore. I'm tired of love. But I needed to address love because it took over a largo portion of trying to figure things out, sorting my priorities. And I was tired of being tired. But to be honest I am the only one that tires me out.

I wrote:
 "I drowned for an entire year because learning how to swim against the current took too long."

There's nothing left in me to feel shy about. And I know that being lazy and binge watching TV shows or thinking about finding someone who will listen to you no matter what are priorities that we prefer to choose in our 20's. But none of this is permanent. It's about understanding that we all want to stay students forever and enjoy summer because we like drinking and then go on and enjoy September because we go back to our routines. I'm out of that routine very soon. Not a student for that much longer and I'm joining in on the fun that is cringing about the prospect that it's easier to work in café for the rest of your life than trying to pursue a bigger goal. But I'm the one making that choice. I'm the one making choices. I'm 21 after all. I'm 21 and need to be mature after all. I'm 21 and need to live my life in a way that satisfies me when I look back at it when I'm 121 after all. Find your voice. Matter. And take up the battle by grabbing the horns of your life before 1pm. People my age might be lazier, but we need to think that the comfort of procrastination is cuter when you're having to push back that meeting because you won't be able to make it on time. Head over heels in the life your forged for yourself.

~PRIORITIES~

Set yourself a goal (life or anything else) and each day do something little towards it.

"what hurts?

wanting and waiting"

You can't have this define you, you can't have rambles define you. And all of our rambles stop here. Less daydreaming, more dealing with all struggles, making that change. And maybe it all comes down to taking initiative, purely sitting down and making a list of your unachieved wishful achievements and now finding a way to make them happen. You can thank me later in your millionaire 30's.

~Goals~ 

I can't do this but I'm doing it anyway.

Philosophical thoughts end here. Did I get my point across?

Maybe this is just the way it feels to me.

Later, 

- D

I Loved Someone And It Went To Waste (The H Letter or The Last of Sadness)

Every since March, ever since December, ever since July none of this has left my mind. And I want to go back to July. And I want to go back to December. And I want to go back to March. Sit on the couch and listen to you talk for hours, walk down the street with you and hum away sorrows and go out with you and drink away repression. But I have learnt now that no month ever mattered to you. And whatever time I spend time with you turned out to be just time you spend with me. 

All is rather clear. A visual of these past couple of months have taken clear form. And I have made lists:

1. I love you
2. I can not love you
3. I need to move on

Hours have passed by and I know we're still not as happy as when we first arrived. And recapitulating all of this in a final text makes me sick, sick again of all these sleepless nights, because I got back to uni just seven days ago, having left you behind for a month and the moment I saw you all was back in place like missing or escaping you never happened. And I remember that I love looking at you. That all you say and do, big or small, everything about you is something that makes me fall further into inevitable pain. And I want to tell you over and over again. But it's everything about you I can't get rid off. And no matter what way I decide to look too, the gun is already pointing at me from miles away. So though I have too, I can not just forget about everything. I can not just shut down everything. Because everything is all I love about you, I still love about you. And it's okay in the day because I'm staying busy. I'm tied up enough and run around just so I don't have to think about thinking, but too many gin and tonic's have been poured down to think you away. 

And I know my list, I've gone through it every month. I wrote it down the day I thought of you as comfort. I know my list, believe me, but I look into your eyes and don't think of solutions or remedies against you. And I wonder how many times I watched you walk away. How many times I wanted to get close to you. How many times I wanted to kiss you. How many times I wanted to be with you, hang out with you. And my list gives me moving on because there's never been any of those wonders from your side. So I hate you. I need to hate you, it's easier than loving you. I make the H word my new definition. I can shut you out then as I've grown tired of feeling tired and being in love with you against my will, unable to defend myself. 

And I know everything is already over. I know everything has already reached it's full stop. There no definition of "love" for me to end. But I know it was something. What I felt. And what you didn't. 

She wrote:

"In dreams I meet you in warm conversation. 

We both wake in lonely beds in different cities. 

And time is taking its sweet time erasing you. 

And you've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me

Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting

Silence, this train runs off its tracks

Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?

Hang up, give up, for the life of us we can't get back"

And I can tell by the look on your face what you're thinking. And I'm not so sure you ever knew what I thought. You won't say a word. Play around with the next best thing that reaches your grip, that catches your attention. You need caring. You need her. Not me. And I need you. So tell me where does that leave me? Who's making me feel special? Who is making me feel special? Who's taking care of me? Who's trying to make me feel special? I don't know who I am anymore. I'm left being the one who needs but never wants. And I'd like for you to tell me that you're not gonna miss this. That all I did isn't worth my grief. 

                                   I just don't want to have to need anyone, especially you.

And I hope one day you read all of this and know the reason for me being distant. As much as that hurts. As much as you hurt me I had to let you go. I have to let you go. I can't do anything with you around me. I can not do anything! So I hope one day all of this will come back to you in flashes. Remember everything I ever told you. Remember everything I ever said to you. Remember everything I ever did for you. And I don't know how you'll feel. I don't know what you'll think. I don't know what you'll want to say, but whatever it is, don't tell me. Leave me be. Leave me be hurt. Leave me. I'm serious. Leave me crying. Leave me hurt. Leave me alone. Leave me. Please leave me. I'm better off when I think of you this way. I'm better off when you hurt me and I have reason to leave you behind. Just make it the overwriting point in your thoughts that it was always about your happiness and not about mine. However hard it was for me to show this constantly might have varied, but that was always what I had in mind, what I tried making my priority.

Everything is so beautiful. Everything else is so beautiful. And somewhere out there, as stupid as this may sound, there's someone writing about something similar. Someone out there watches the sunlight fade, having the silence break, waiting for heartbeats to merge together.

We will say goodbye for good soon. You are off to travel the states soon and I'm staying behind, graduating, working throughout summer and then moving to another country. Darkness is already closing in. I'll have a last look in your eyes. And everything I ever wished for to happen will bring me down for the next couple of weeks but that will be it, and sometime soon I'll write about someone else hopefully, be able to leave you behind for good. Make this rest. Have you rest. Have her rest. Because you definitely don't need me around anymore. You've grown. There's nothing left for me to do. Nothing's going to change you. You're the way you are that's what it is. That's how simple it all gets. And you're becoming an incredible person. And I wouldn't want to change that. And this year I just couldn't help the way I felt, I couldn't help the way I didn't. We're two ones that together just make two. And no words need to be said to tell us what we both know. That last look in your eyes. I guess if you don't care, I shouldn't either.
Goodbye.

- To you, who made me see things I could never see alone. 

Love always, me. 

        

THE L WORD

1, 2, 3, 4 and yes recently this whole thing has come up again. Maybe not love the big, big feeling but maybe something in-between. The whole "settle down with me". The whole "I've fallen for your eyes but they don't know me yet". And love for me itself has always been a touchy subject. I don't mind talking about it. I have (as I guess everybody got), my own definition of it, but maybe because I haven't ever truly found "love" I'm still working around the full stop to my definition. Maybe because the "love" that I've experienced wasn't the good kind. Maybe because my kind of "love" seems to always revert back to unsteady stepping stones. Maybe because it's always been the "do you know what you're missing out on?" kind of "love". I don't know. I know I don't know a lot but I'm sure of what I'm feeling right now. And right now I'm down to knowing that it's a bad religion to be in love with someone who could never love you. And I'm going for acting normal. And I'm going for acting fine. And I'm going for acting okay. But I'm not okay. I'm not fine. And I'm definitely not being able to act normal. I'm broken. And that's a sure understatement. But I know that right now all I can do is both be happy and sad at the same time and some day figure out how that can be.  

I'll be playing along to whatever routine I can imagine without love. Whatever routine still accepts me. Accepts the fact that I have to accept. Accepts the fact that I have to move on. Accepts the fact that I am the one stranded alone on this deserted island. And I'm sure to be landing there if I continue to love. How everything I know will end up distorted and destroyed if I take another step. It's putting myself last. It's putting myself last again. But that's okay. Because I'll be there the day of their wedding. And I'll be there the day of their baby shower. And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that because I'll be able to be there. And that's enough. 

So untouchable. So much brighter than the sun. So caught up in you. 

I'm figuring everything out day by day. And right now all I know is that at the end of the day there is nothing more I want then to leave all of this behind and find myself having my own Zooey Deschannel to kiss after playing too much True American. 

THE 2 A.M SONGS

I feel inspired to create, with every single on of these songs. My new obsession is found at 2 a.m on this Tuesday night. Onto taking notebooks out and scribbling on thoughts, ideas and new projects. Later -D

 

ESSAYS

Again, like any university student, I'm sitting in the library stocked up with food, notebooks, a fully charged laptop, notes and that stress that doesn't seem to go away. The deadlines are like little waves forming into bigger ones destroying that calm sunbathing session you thought was going to last forever. If you're in the same boat as me; listen to the song below and please watch the bliss that is the music video! A little help to get us both through the storm. It'll all be over once you reach that cool word count:

TALKING DEDG // ON EVERYTHING

  

The person behind this blog is yet to be found but I know I'm writing because I'm thinking. And that's something I do quite a lot. Hello? I'm 20 years old and currently studying Drama and English at university in the UK. I like films, film making, clothes, the rainy walks through town and those free food samples at the local market. Well and cats first and foremost. I have all of this is happening in the midst of the "What am I going to do after I graduate?" & all the "What? Where? When? Who? How?" questions post teenage (soon adult-ish) crisis phase. Hence DEDG. Welcome. I mean I know I am Daniel Estévez-García. But how does that define me? And yes taking that anagram into the metaphorical sense (I love metaphors), for all I know I could be Daniel Estévez or Daniel García or anything else. (All in the name of the metaphor.) I'm looking for myself. What I'll be and all of that crap that I guess everybody my age is trying to figure out. And I think having a platform such as blogspot.com can help me put down bits of me and things I like to remember and then be able to show my kids how (un?)cool their dad was when he was 20.

                                                  _______________________________

K   N   O   W   I   N   G     M   E  ,

K N O W I N G   M Y    B L O G

_______________________________ 

URBAN: The street style, the magazine rip out's, the clothes I like on guys and girls. Get everything on what I like wearing, what I like seen worn and personal fashion do's and don'ts. Learn with me? 

AWAY:  The blog posts about that one time I went away for a holiday and finally found the time to write about it.

FILMS:   Blog posts about what I've watched, what I love re-watching and what I'm dying to watch. Pretty self explanatory.

24/7: I did forget, I'm rather obsessed with a lot of things! Find here the things I am currently obsessed with and can't shut up about.  

DEDG: Blog posts about me, me & me? What I'm doing & what I'm not doing. The personal I guess.

TUMBLR: http://danestevez.tumblr.com, YOUTUBE: http://www.youtube.com/DEDGv ,MY WEB SERIES: http://www.youtube.com/todaytomorrowseries , INSTAGRAM: http://instagram.com/estevezdan , TWITTER: https://twitter.com/estevezdaniel

    

For those of you who prefer watching rather than reading, I sometimes do this YouTube thing where I think out loud to a camera. Get to know me more in the video posted below:

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LATER!

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