THE L WORD

1, 2, 3, 4 and yes recently this whole thing has come up again. Maybe not love the big, big feeling but maybe something in-between. The whole "settle down with me". The whole "I've fallen for your eyes but they don't know me yet". And love for me itself has always been a touchy subject. I don't mind talking about it. I have (as I guess everybody got), my own definition of it, but maybe because I haven't ever truly found "love" I'm still working around the full stop to my definition. Maybe because the "love" that I've experienced wasn't the good kind. Maybe because my kind of "love" seems to always revert back to unsteady stepping stones. Maybe because it's always been the "do you know what you're missing out on?" kind of "love". I don't know. I know I don't know a lot but I'm sure of what I'm feeling right now. And right now I'm down to knowing that it's a bad religion to be in love with someone who could never love you. And I'm going for acting normal. And I'm going for acting fine. And I'm going for acting okay. But I'm not okay. I'm not fine. And I'm definitely not being able to act normal. I'm broken. And that's a sure understatement. But I know that right now all I can do is both be happy and sad at the same time and some day figure out how that can be.  

I'll be playing along to whatever routine I can imagine without love. Whatever routine still accepts me. Accepts the fact that I have to accept. Accepts the fact that I have to move on. Accepts the fact that I am the one stranded alone on this deserted island. And I'm sure to be landing there if I continue to love. How everything I know will end up distorted and destroyed if I take another step. It's putting myself last. It's putting myself last again. But that's okay. Because I'll be there the day of their wedding. And I'll be there the day of their baby shower. And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that because I'll be able to be there. And that's enough. 

So untouchable. So much brighter than the sun. So caught up in you. 

I'm figuring everything out day by day. And right now all I know is that at the end of the day there is nothing more I want then to leave all of this behind and find myself having my own Zooey Deschannel to kiss after playing too much True American.