Every since March, ever since December, ever since July none of this has left my mind. And I want to go back to July. And I want to go back to December. And I want to go back to March. Sit on the couch and listen to you talk for hours, walk down the street with you and hum away sorrows and go out with you and drink away repression. But I have learnt now that no month ever mattered to you. And whatever time I spend time with you turned out to be just time you spend with me.
All is rather clear. A visual of these past couple of months have taken clear form. And I have made lists:
- I love you
- I can not love you
- I need to move on
Hours have passed by and I know we're still not as happy as when we first arrived. And recapitulating all of this in a final text makes me sick, sick again of all these sleepless nights, because I got back to uni just seven days ago, having left you behind for a month and the moment I saw you all was back in place like missing or escaping you never happened. And I remember that I love looking at you. That all you say and do, big or small, everything about you is something that makes me fall further into inevitable pain. And I want to tell you over and over again. But it's everything about you I can't get rid off. And no matter what way I decide to look too, the gun is already pointing at me from miles away. So though I have too, I can not just forget about everything. I can not just shut down everything. Because everything is all I love about you, I still love about you. And it's okay in the day because I'm staying busy. I'm tied up enough and run around just so I don't have to think about thinking, but too many gin and tonic's have been poured down to think you away.
And I know my list, I've gone through it every month. I wrote it down the day I thought of you as comfort. I know my list, believe me, but I look into your eyes and don't think of solutions or remedies against you. And I wonder how many times I watched you walk away. How many times I wanted to get close to you. How many times I wanted to kiss you. How many times I wanted to be with you, hang out with you. And my list gives me moving on because there's never been any of those wonders from your side. So I hate you. I need to hate you, it's easier than loving you. I make the H word my new definition. I can shut you out then as I've grown tired of feeling tired and being in love with you against my will, unable to defend myself.
And I know everything is already over. I know everything has already reached it's full stop. There no definition of "love" for me to end. But I know it was something. What I felt. And what you didn't.
She wrote:
"In dreams I meet you in warm conversation.
We both wake in lonely beds in different cities.
And time is taking its sweet time erasing you.
And you've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me
Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting
Silence, this train runs off its tracks
Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?
Hang up, give up, for the life of us we can't get back"
And I can tell by the look on your face what you're thinking. And I'm not so sure you ever knew what I thought. You won't say a word. Play around with the next best thing that reaches your grip, that catches your attention. You need caring. You need her. Not me. And I need you. So tell me where does that leave me? Who's making me feel special? Who is making me feel special? Who's taking care of me? Who's trying to make me feel special? I don't know who I am anymore. I'm left being the one who needs but never wants. And I'd like for you to tell me that you're not gonna miss this. That all I did isn't worth my grief.
I just don't want to have to need anyone, especially you.
And I hope one day you read all of this and know the reason for me being distant. As much as that hurts. As much as you hurt me I had to let you go. I have to let you go. I can't do anything with you around me. I can not do anything! So I hope one day all of this will come back to you in flashes. Remember everything I ever told you. Remember everything I ever said to you. Remember everything I ever did for you. And I don't know how you'll feel. I don't know what you'll think. I don't know what you'll want to say, but whatever it is, don't tell me. Leave me be. Leave me be hurt. Leave me. I'm serious. Leave me crying. Leave me hurt. Leave me alone. Leave me. Please leave me. I'm better off when I think of you this way. I'm better off when you hurt me and I have reason to leave you behind. Just make it the overwriting point in your thoughts that it was always about your happiness and not about mine. However hard it was for me to show this constantly might have varied, but that was always what I had in mind, what I tried making my priority.
I just don't want to have to need anyone, especially you.
Everything is so beautiful. Everything else is so beautiful. And somewhere out there, as stupid as this may sound, there's someone writing about something similar. Someone out there watches the sunlight fade, having the silence break, waiting for heartbeats to merge together.
We will say goodbye for good soon. You are off to travel the states soon and I'm staying behind, graduating, working throughout summer and then moving to another country. Darkness is already closing in. I'll have a last look in your eyes. And everything I ever wished for to happen will bring me down for the next couple of weeks but that will be it, and sometime soon I'll write about someone else hopefully, be able to leave you behind for good. Make this rest. Have you rest. Have her rest. Because you definitely don't need me around anymore. You've grown. There's nothing left for me to do. Nothing's going to change you. You're the way you are that's what it is. That's how simple it all gets. And you're becoming an incredible person. And I wouldn't want to change that. And this year I just couldn't help the way I felt, I couldn't help the way I didn't. We're two ones that together just make two. And no words need to be said to tell us what we both know. That last look in your eyes. I guess if you don't care, I shouldn't either.
Goodbye.
- To you, who made me see things I could never see alone.
Love always, me.
